The Hotter They Come

Lately I've been listening to Hot 99.5. It's a radio station for people who care about Hotness. Last night I heard a contest in which people phoned in to vote on whether the new Nickelback song was "Sooo Hot" or "Soooo Not." It was Hot.

That got me thinking about Hot people. Hot people are the opposite of cool people. Cool people worry about being cool, about listening to the same music other cool people do, about filling in critics' polls and dressing cool, whether that be thrift-store chic or metrosexy.

Hot people don't think. Hot people do. Hot people wear product in their hair. Hot people use terms like "product." Hot people are on TV a lot. Like the people pictured at the top of the post.

Actually, they weren't on TV long. They were on my favorite show this summer, One Ocean View, which was entirely about hot people hooking up. Hot people hook up all the time. But they're nice about it, usually. Not like cool people, who are tormented. Critics hated One Ocean View, which was definitely Not Hot from my perspective. Critics aren't Hot. Except maybe Rob Sheffield.

Last night on Hot 99.5 I heard the new All-American Rejects song. I thought that band was kind of done, but I was mistaken--like Nickelback, they've just found the right audience: Hot people. Hot people don't care about musical boundaries--last night I heard Christina Aguilera and Ne-Yo, too. They just like music that sounds Hot. And there is a Hot sound. Everything on Hot 99.5 is EQ'd so the snare drums sizzle with mid-range glory, and singers' breaths between lines are prominent. There's a lot of treble.

Once I did a piece on the All-American Rejects. It was about how they were navigating the journey from punk to popularity. They were playing in Panama City, Fla., during Spring Break, for lots of Hot people. And strippers. The thing is, All-American Rejects were always music for Hot people. I must have been the only person who didn't get that. And now they and Nickelback and Hinder will never have to worry about eating again.

I, on the other hand, have dedicated my life to chronicling cool people. What an error! I will never look Hot, but goddammit I can write about people who do! Look for much Hotness coming from this direction in 2007, the year of Hot!